do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
