The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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