I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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