oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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