the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
