Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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