Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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