Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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