the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
