also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
