if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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