I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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