tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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