operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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