i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
