Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
