I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
