I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
