When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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