I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
