The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
