put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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