Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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