dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
