Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
