haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
