Is it normal to miss your booty call?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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