my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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