I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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