my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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