And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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