I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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