I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
