Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If I die, sorry about rent.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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