Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
