Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
