The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
