That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
