So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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