like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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