So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
