So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
