dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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