it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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