Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
