i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
