I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
