Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
