Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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