he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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