Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
