If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
